I let you hurt me.

I let you what you did to me.

Thank you.

Because now I know what I don't want.

I know what I deserve.

And it's not someone like you.

Thank you.

Sorry aku marah kau. Kau innocent bystander yang tak pasal-pasal kena marah dengan aku. Sorry. Sorry mood aku cranky sebab ada orang jerit dekat aku. Aku tau akan sampai satu hari bila aku akan look back and miss all these, tapi today isn't one of the day. In fact, I am disappointed in myself sebab tak boleh nak channel that anger towards something else but to lay on you instead. Aku macam biasa dalam otak dah macam-macam script aku karang nak cakap kalau betul kena serang, tapi nasib baik aku dapat kawal lagi. Sorry dah berapa kali sorry aku nak cakap. Okbai.

Kerana tangan hati merana.

Kenapa tangan? Sebab tangan aku gatal pi bukak wall diorang, tengok-tengok masing-masing sama ada dah berbahagia atau sedang menuju ke arah kebahagiaan. Aku tak tau mana salah aku sebab semua tak kekal lama. Semua? Haha. Cara cerita macam banyak benor. Tapi itulah. Aku pelik, aku selalu berfikir, sebab kalau dapat cari salah aku nak betulkan salah aku. Aku boleh lah kira banyak kawan la jugak. Banyak kawan laki pulak tu. Sampaikan diorang dah anggap aku one of the "brothers". Macam mana benda ni boleh start, sebab masa trip Part 2 dulu tu, diorang tanya apa ciri-ciri seorang braders? Aku pun gurau selambalah cakap pakai bra. Start dari situ sampai sekarang. Aku suka. Tak banyak cerita dengan diorang ni. Tapi diorang tak jugak lupa aku perempuan. Tapi aku layankan je ikut diorang usha perempuan. Takde lah sampai aku bernafsu pulak. Haha.

Sebab ni ke relationship aku tak tahan lama? Tapi kenapa bila berkawan cakap suka kawan dengan aku sebab aku tak banyak cerita, aku tak pandai nak merengek, merajuk bagai. Tapi semua tu tipukan. Last-last semua cari macam tu jugak. Tau. Aku ni dah la tak pandai melawa bagai, skirt selai pun takde, dating pakai tshirt, jeans jugak.

Aku ingat ada sekali kita dah janji nak keluar makan, sekali kau kena kerja, kena ganti orang yang tak datang. Aku memanglah hampa, tapi aku lagi kesiankan kau, jadi aku batalkan niat aku nak tergedik-gedik nak merajuk.

Aku pun ingat masa kita janji nak jumpa. Kau cakap kereta takde masa tu, moto pun ada orang guna. Aku cakap aku tak kesah kita naik bus pun boleh, asalkan kita dapat jumpa.

Aku sedar. Benda-benda yang aku buat macam ni buatkan diorang tak bersungguh nak dapatkan aku. Aku too easy for them. Kencing la semua apa yang cakap sebelum-sebelum ni. Kau orang lagi suka perempuan yang menyusahkan kau, sanggup bersusah payah lepas tu perempuan tu buat pe'el nak buat cerita sedih, padahal aku ada je dekat sini. Takpe la.

I guess second best is all that I will ever know. Sigh. =(

Cikenshit

I wanted to say so many things, I wanted to curse you so bad until you will feel at least a slight anger or pain in your chest, although that amount of pain is only 10% out my mine. I couldn't bring myself to say it. DARN. So I slept. Sleeping is my way of running from problems.

I don't miss you. I'm glad I don't. Because I'm sure you don't miss me too. I just missed us. I miss having something I thought was real. DARN. It was real to me. I miss the good times, the silly morning calls. I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day(besides mom) about all the shits that happened earlier in the day.

Life goes on, people change, promise are made to be broken. Sorry if commitment scares the cikenshit out of you, but hey, if you don't have plans for the long term, I have better things to do than to waste my energy and time for the short term. You know why I wanted us to change the relationship status in FB so badly, I want the rest to know that you are mine, not in a proud showing off kind of way, but in a way that I don't want any woman to fall for you. But I guess I'm not good enough for you. Or maybe that is your subtle hint of saying you won't stay long in my life.

But, don't worry. I'm fine. I don't miss you.

Gua jeling-jeling jugak jam dengan laptop ni sambil bukak FB. Dah nak "timeeeeeee" (sorry inside joke gua & dia dulu) gua kira. Tapi gua buat lantok. Phone gua entah dekat mana sekarang ni. Dekat atas ke, dekat celah sofa ke mana gua malas nak pikirkan. Buat masa sekarang ni lah.

Gua tau kita maybe dah takde apa-apa dah. Tapi gua rasa I deserve to be at least be treated like a friend. Jangan buat saya macam ni.

There you go AGAIN. Sending mixed signals AGAIN

CRAP.

You do this to me because you know I'm too nice that I won't do anything to you.

CRAP.

I'm actually had enough of all this crap. Despite of how much I still love you. But this cannot go on. Thank you. I am actually stronger than before.

CRAP.

You hung up your phone anytime in the middle of the conversation as you wish, as you like (FOR NO REASON! We are not even arguing or anything) And you switched off you phone immediately after that. And you don't even bother to call back to say you're sorry (your phone batt die ke apa), and you disappear (MIA) for almost 1 month not answering my calls (Ehem. Rejecting my calls pun ada), don't even bother to reply my text messages, all of the sudden, I received this message from you saying, "I think it's better for us to be single. good night"

WHAT THE HECK was that?

I deserve better. Thank you.

Orang lain gedik nak berblog, kau pun nak ada blog jugak. Haha. Tapi pemalas. Ahh. Dulik ah. Macam ada orang pun nak baca blog ni. Hahaha.

Anyways, I guess it isn't so much about you, I guess it's the companion that I miss the most. Its nice to have something to look forward to by the end of the day, those phone calls, just,just to know that someone out there loves you, I guess these are all that matters.

=(

I thought we agree, we won't hurt each other.

Since we felt before, how hurt we can get.

I hope that you won't leave me like how he left me.

I hope you won't break my heart like how he broke mine.

I hope you'll stay,

and say you still love me,

like you used to love me.

=((

harden your heart & head.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…

You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt,

a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~ Neil Gaiman

I've read this a thousand times before, but I still like it as though I am reading for the first time.

I don't have much to say.

No, wait, maybe I do have a lot to say.

But then again, some things are hard to write about.

After something happens to you, you go to write it down,

and either you over dramatize it or underplay it,

exaggerate the wrong parts or ignoring the important ones.

At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

~ Sylvia Plath~

Nicely put.

Ok then.

Less talk, more pictures.

gah.